THANATOS—If I can’t be yours—
by Fullmetal komusume
Summary: Roys love/lust with Fullmetal has caused devastating actions, forcing the two into mental anxiety and exhaustion. But as the twos realities are torn apart, roy can only be comforted by whom he hurt most. One sided Roy/Ed One sided Al/Ed
1. Weaving a Story:OS

**[The licensed animation **_**Hagane no Rekinjutsushi **_**(**_**Fullmetal Alchemist**_**) belongs solely to Arakawa Hiromu, Bones, Square Enix, FUNimation (for dubbing purposes and American distribution), Animax, and many others who contributed to its creation and airing. Any references to Shin Seiki Evangelion (Neon Genesis Evangelion) created by Hideaki Anno, Yoshiyuki Sadamoto, and GAINAX SHOP, along with the Doujinshi Submission series and other dialogue taken in for research belong to their creators and contributors as well. I hold no recognition to this project but the sequence of events and some other things that are too complicated to call completely mine. Please take this story with a grain of salt.]**

**THANATOS—If I can't be yours—**

**Summary: **Roy's love/lust with Fullmetal has caused devastating actions, forcing the two with haunting anxiety and mental exhaustion. But as the twos realities are torn apart, Roy can only be comforted by whom he's hurt most. One-sided Roy/Ed, one-sided Al/Ed

Angst/Tragedy/Psychological

**A/N: **Thank you so much for deciding to read THANATOS! It really means a lot to me to catch your attention and enjoyment. To my dear readers who are already reading my story, to be honest, my writing skills improved to the point where I hated my old one and I decided to re-write it. So yay I'm not dead! I'm just lazy to a large extent! Its still the same plot, but an entirely different spin off in better writing! I hope you enjoy it! C:

**~Flame me, and I'll get the pedophile at my local park to come to your house. I mean it; there is a pedophile at my local park. 8I~**

**Much love,**

**~Komusume**

* * *

_There is emptiness at the very core of our souls, a fundamental incompleteness that has haunted all beings since the very first thought. This is what gives rise to the fear in our hearts, what gives rise to fear and insecurity. On a primal level, man has always been aware of the darkness that resides at the core of his mind. We have seeked to escape this void and the fear it causes, and all mans accomplishments are made in the hope of filling it…_

_~Prelude~_

_It was back. The same dream that haunted his false sense of security every time he would drift off to sleep and giving him shivers when he awoke. He felt nothing here, yet the self that was aware of the false vision was gorged with grief and irritation. It was pitch black, it always was, and yet he still tried to cover the nightmares edges with fire. And into his failures, there he stood, his dull golden eyes pushing a stigmata into Roys shaking chest. His flesh was the only light, as if the epidermis itself was made from the eternal flames of heaven. Transparent tears rolled down his cheeks, forever falling in the centre of darkness that surrounded the two in his vision._

_He could feel himself hyperventilating on the outside, for the words that always came from the blondes mouth poured acid on his self judgment and reason. He knew how the dream would end. An embrace, denial, hatred, and the adolescent lying in his own blood by his hands. As gore tainted his clothes, he would hold him close to his chest, feeling the contractions of his breathing as they slowly came to a stop. Dozens and dozens of times, he would kill him with alchemy, trying to destroy the one presence he feared most. And in the confidents of his inner self, his tortures repeated again. _

"_What the hell did I do to you!? What did I do wrong?!"_

_Silence._

"_Answer me damn it! Why aren't you saying anything!?"_

"…_You didn't…"_

"_Then why do you keep hurting me!?"_

_His last words. They were always his last words._

**THANATOS—WEAVING A STORY: ORAL STAGE—**

"Sir?"

Roy jolted back to reality, searching for any trace of gold or crimson liquid on his body. His hands shook from access adrenaline, reaching from the Netherlands of his hallucination to his actual existence. Dismay kept his mouth from moving, scattered traces of black print on his desk the only reminder of where he lay. He wiped his cheek with his fist, dark smudges of ink from the new documents coated onto his skin.

_The same…dream…_

"Sir, I can't keep him on the phone forever."

"What? Ah, sorry Lieutenant. What was I—"

"You were about to give your consent of whether or not laboratory 3 should continue research on the Hydrogen weaponry for the North."

"That again? Damn it, those power hungry bastards are always making more work for me!"

"You have my greatest sympathy, sir."

"Shouldn't Archer be taking care of this?"

"Lieutenant Colonel Frank Archer and Major Armstrong are down south near Dublith right now. No response."

"Typical…"

Digging into his pocket, he sighed, retrieving his silver watch to set on the table. The sunlight adorned it, creating small gleams on the indentions and patterns. All his bonds, memories, and bloodshed to get him as far as he was were all poured into its design, showing he was an official dog of the military and the higher-ups had him on a chain. It had become the symbolic image of his past, but also the anchor of guilt in the many wars he had to take lives in. He tampered the chain, a faint scent of iron penetrating his senses.

_It's almost like…_

"_On one condition you say?"_

"_I'll obey all your orders, sir. But as long as I serve here I'd like to receive all the information on the Philosophers Stone. And whenever I finish all my other duties, you have to permit me to search it."_

"_People will question your motives. You realize what will happen if the state learns about your human transmutation. Al will be shipped off to some lab as a precious sample."_

"…"

"_Well, I can keep that in my back pocket to make sure you behave…"_

A faint smile crept across his face, ebbed away from the images of pain and rejection his simulation had caused. It had frightened him, but somewhere in his mentality, the thought of Eds warm body pressed against his riddled him with pleasure. His quaint breaths, the cold metal rubbing against his skin, the scent of oil and flesh flowing around him, the taste of his body fluids, all seemed like a cruel temptation of something he could never have. In his recollections, where he and Edward were the only two people in the world, it filled him with delight and horror. And yet deep down, it was all Roy ached for. The ecstasy of becoming one with him, and that very fact was what disgusted him the most.

"_Fullmetal, I…"_

"You're thinking about him, aren't you?"

His daydream crashed down, bright amber eyes ridden with anger and sadness burning into his head. He knew it wasn't fair; she was stern but beautiful, and was ready to fallow his orders out of love and respect. But here he was, lusting after some child by some unforgiving force he wasn't even aware of. Being an escapist wasn't his nature, but all he wanted to do was lose himself in his fantasies. He didn't want to see his own guilt and shame staring back at him anymore.

"I…uh, sorry. Tell him I'll call him back and we'll take it from there." His words were groggy, showing how fatigued Roy really was behind his façade of confidence. "And besides, he has all the capability in the world to do it his damn self…" He subordinate sighed, cupping the phone to her ear to play the role of babysitter.

"I'm sorry; the Colonel has to call you back later."

"This isn't an invitation to a slumber party, 1st Lieutenant! This is an important situation!"

"My apologies, sir…"

"But all he has to do is sign a damn paper! Put him on the phone! Now!"

She placed the phone on the receiver, turning to her superior with a disappointed gleam in her eye. It wasn't Ed's fault, she knew it wasn't, but it didn't change the fact of how angry she was towards him. Fallowing Roy gave her an identity, a purpose, and it frightened her to realize how it was slipping away by some pedophiliac tendencies. It had been like this ever since the murder of Maes Hughes. They had fallen out of love with each other, and what used to be wholesome conversation had turned into awkward and bitter silence. His mind and obsession were unfixable, as much as she wished it was. She stepped toward the door, giving the knob a shaky clutch before throwing it across the threshold. Roy lifted his brow, tiny stings of remorse hitting beneath his chest.

"Something wrong, Lieutenant?"

"…With all due respect sir, it seems Fullmetal is becoming a bigger and bigger problem for you."

"What?"

"You can't keep depending on him for sanity and well-being! He's not your lover and he never will be!" Why can't you understand that?!"

Roy leaned against the fabric of his chair, letting the images from his dream flood his psyche once more. He sighed, giving a stern glance at the back of at the back of the blondes head.

"I know that already. But, Ed is—"

She slammed the door, dashing through the hallway before tear-hazed vision put her to a stop. Her fists were clenched, sickened by the desire of wrapping her hands around his throat and ending her heart-ache forever. She would never wish death on anyone, let alone killing them herself because of envy, but the complexities Roy and Ed were giving her put her on the brink of insanity. Her wants and desires all seemed irrational in a left-brained sense, but her emotions were telling her it was completely logical to make the child disappear. Regardless of him leaving, she knew Roy would go after him, pushing her to the side for the sake of his sick desires. Riza leaned against the hall, burying her face in her soft hands.

_Soon you'll lose your identity, as I have. Soon you'll lose Edward and your self worth…_

* * *

Roy sat in his chair quietly, moving his pen back and forth on his documents to create the illusion of hard work. Visions of liquid amber filled his mind; the thoughts of him calling his name and beautiful smile making his lower abdomen pulsate. Guilt washed over him, laying his head on his desk as his eyelids grew heavy again.

"_I'm sorry Riza…there's just…nothing between us anymore…"_

**Next Time~ THANATOS—Borderline Case—**

**"The alchemist makes detestable actions in the time of despair, and regarding the feelings and commands of others is sometimes undoable. Even when taking advantage of one's innocence, he still stood strong. But the actions he was about to make were considered unforgivable to the eyes of man…"**

* * *

**FFFFFFF I didn't really like how some of this chapter came out, but it's all good I guess. Damn it why can't my pocket watch I ordered smell like iron damn it? D: Oh well, it ticks…**

**~Thank you for reading!! 3 **


	2. Borderline Case

**[The licensed animation **_**Hagane no Rekinjutsushi **_**(**_**Fullmetal Alchemist**_**) belongs solely to Arakawa Hiromu, Bones, Square Enix, FUNimation (for dubbing purposes and American distribution), Animax, and many others who contributed to its creation and airing. Any references to Shin Seiki Evangelion (Neon Genesis Evangelion) created by Hideaki Anno, Yoshiyuki Sadamoto, and GAINAX SHOP, along with the Doujinshi Submission series and other dialogue taken in for research belong to their creators and contributors as well. I hold no recognition to this project but the sequence of events and some other things that are too complicated to call completely mine. Please take this story **_**Cum Grano Salis**_**.]**

**Flame me and I'll eat your family :C**

**Multae Amae,**

**-Fullmetal Komusume**

**A/N: Salvete! Lazy Deb is Lazy. Patient readers are patient. You rock for that. Srsly, not a day goes by when I don't think of this story even though I'm busy with stuff. DeviantART is my second home on the Internets. Haha English class has really turned me into a better writer, and hopefully you guys notice my improvements. I also have three grammar things I'd like to point out. **

**I like to use old English ways of spelling certain things like centre for center, colour for color, programme for program just because it became a habit for me.** **I'm the one doing it right…LOL **

**I finally got over myself and accepted that a "'s" is used for not only the contraction "is" but also for the genitive case. 3**

**Semi-colons are your friend. They connect independent clauses without using a coordinating conjunction, correlative conjunction, or a conjunctive adverb. They rock for that too.**

_**Sing to me 'O Muse…**_

* * *

The floor was plagued with slathered Transmutation Circles, chills shooting down Maes' spine as the lugubrious atmosphere coiled them in its embrace. The dull florescent light blunted the luster of Roy's hair, and his now pale-onyx eyes revealed a lack of hope and salvation. He flashed a weak smile at Maes, setting down an old alchemic text onto his table.

"…Roy."

"It's called a Taboo, forbidden alchemy it's kind of fun."

Maes grabbed the collar of Roy's shirt, staring morbidly into his captivating black eyes. His friend had carried out the orders of the state by command, not of spite, and he would be damned if he let Mustang blame himself for anything that happened in the Eastern Rebellion.

"I don't understand much about alchemy, but I'm no fool and I certainly know what happens to anyone who commits a taboo!"

The fabric of his shirt felt cold, feeling his friend's breath when he released him. The Flame's expression was soft, but gleamed of an incomprehensible presence that riddled inside his mentality.

"You can relax Maes; I haven't done anything."

"Maybe not yet but you were planning to."

He closed his weary eyes, a hopeless look shrouding his features as images of bloodshed penetrated his mind.

"You just don't understand; I killed a lot of people out there."

_Flame and Fullmetal's sins had interbred into one after thy murder of Hughes; therefore, the eye of truth that bared a symbolic image of regret, fact, and reality both ebbed an in-erasable hole into the two's ambitions. There was nothing in the void of white, and yet behind the dark corridor lay every rendering process of alchemy and life. Whether it was the gates' cruel indifference that took his psychological wellness in exchange for his friend, the many effects of genocide going to his head, or the desperate need to destroy the loneliness, the gateway's omniscient truth tis the death of the heart. Regardless of so, his spirit had been shattered, purity wounded, and he would give anything for Fullmetal to love him._

**THANATOS—BORDERLINE CASE—**

"I didn't finish anything last night after all, and I guess asking Riza is far out of the question now." Roy muttered to no one in particular.

His under-used pen scribbled across the document, the man inertly groaning of all the blanks he would have to fill with it. His high caliber was impressive for a man his age, which usually led him to meetings of "encouragement" from the higher ups. As he slowly slipped into the primordial dimension of his thoughts, the raven was ignorant of the many footsteps that headed towards his direction.

"Hey there, mind if I join you there solider?"

Roy's dark eyes averted from the wall, locking onto olive-toned skin and an eye patch that covered some unfathomable injury. The man's dark hair was neatly cut, aside from a few strands in the front, with ranking badges whose colour and shine were only equal to his "larger than life" reputation. A few top-rank State Alchemists were crowded around him for security reasons, along with his right-hand man General Haruko with his usual composure.

"Oh…F-Fuhrer King Bradley! It'd be an honor sir!"

His superior let out a deep chuckle, waving his right hand to shoo away the men.

"Haha, easy solider, I was just curious as to what you were up to. A little bird told me that you were having problems with the consent for the North?"

_Damn it._

"You…could say that."

"Haha, I know I know. The project was originally assigned to Lieutenant Colonel Frank Archer in the Investigative Department, but it seems he ran with Major Armstrong to cross-examine any witnesses of the Lab 5 incident."

"Lab 5?" Roy parroted, shaking the feel of suspicion off his shoulders.

The Fuhrer sighed, swiping the loaf of bread that was on Mustang's tray.

"Yes. According to the information we received from Brigadier General Hughes, these self-proclaimed 'artificial humans' called 'Homunculi' were found along with some Chimera under some restricted areas we had thought to have been closed off years ago. They seemed to have a massive interest into this so-called mythical 'Philosophers' Stone' and collected convicts for only who knows what. Our only human witnesses other than them were the Elric brothers and the Sewing-Life Alchemist, but they had left Central a while ago."

"The Elric Brothers?" He gave a long pause, erasing whatever irrelevant thought that came into his mind with a grain of salt.

"Major Armstrong found them in the rubble unconscious that same night," the Fuhrer's eyes slowly came to level with Mustang's, taking a small bite of semi-fresh bread in his hand. "Weren't you aware of the act of disobedience your little prodigy made, Colonel?"

The Onyx-haired man put two-and-two together, realizing what Maes hid regarding Ed's hospitalization before his birthday.

"…No sir, I wasn't."

"Despite that, I'm not surprised he had gotten into some mishaps about the stone, seems to be the usual route for people who have the audacity to commit human transmutation."

Roy's heart jumped, his mind speeding off into miles as he processed the Fuhrer's words.

_But how…how the hell does he know about Fullmetal's situation!?_

"…With all due respect sir, why are you telling me this?" Roy asked with curious eyes.

As the intensity lessened its grip with their stares, his superior leaned back, slipping an old photo out of his left pants pocket.

"Because I know you and those boy's past motives. Do I not, Colonel?"

A worn photo slid across the table, the image of a complex array spawned across the floor, and blood spreading across the sundry lines and curves made Roy's entire body shake. In the central right side of the photographic depiction, there Roy lay, choking on his own gore and paralyzed by the infringing smoke going into his lungs. The day of interbred sins between Edward Elric and Roy Mustang, the day Roy had attempted the ultimate taboo.

"…That's…"

"Consider this your warning. We wouldn't want any trouble to arise about the stone around the military would we, Flame Alchemist?"

* * *

"Damn cushion-less seats…if it weren't for that stupid man I would've finished my report for Mustang!"

"Yeah…"

The brothers had finally reached Central City, frustrated from another faulty lead in the southern countryside. They had spent endless days and nights walking on dry roads, and the blazing sun rays were enough to give Ed a headache. If that wasn't enough, the minute they had finally reached a semi-flamboyant city, the boys realized it was about time to renew Ed's state alchemist license. So off they went, fallowing rust-covered tracks until they came to a run-down train station heading towards Central.

Ed turned, tossing his traveling case to his brother.

"Here, hold this for me."

"…Sure."

The older Elric furrowed his brow.

"What? Something wrong Al?"

"It's just…you need to control your temper brother! We were almost kicked off the train because of you!"

Ed slumped his shoulders, turning his nose at Al's redundant scolding. He was supposed to be the older brother, and yet here Al was trying to shame his actions. No matter how many times he would hear remarks about his size, he never failed to try and pick a fight with his antagonisms.

"It's not my fault," he muttered "he shouldn't have called me short…"

"But that's just it! Nobody ever calls you...never mind…"

"Good, I don't feel like arguing. It's bad enough that I have to see Mustang in the first place."

The wind blew, carrying the smell of burning coal from the train into the alchemist's lungs. The brothers headed towards Central Command, unaware of the large man descended into the darkness. His large frame had taken up an abundance of the telephone booth, staring into the back of the blonde's head as he spoke.

"The blonde one walking next to the suit of armor? Yeah I see him. He looks ready to me. So how about we get this show on the road?"

"...Wait Frommer."

"Oh come now, I didn't escape from prison just to stand here in a booth."

"..."

"Damn it all! If you're going to pussy out on me I'll do this however the fuck I want! Whether or not that bitch is dead or alive is now on your fucking shoulders!!"

"..."

"You have five seconds, you hear me!? This was your fucking idea!!"

"...I..."

"Five! Four! Three!"

"Alright...do it."

"Heh heh, that's my man. Always making the right decisions."

He slammed the phone on the receiver, striding out of the darkness on the alley way. Frommer weaved through the crowds, keeping his eye on the sterling metal and gold silk on the road. He grinned, facing towards the crest of flammel in the centre of Ed's jacket.

"G'noon, Fullmetal Alchemist..."

The boys turned, locking onto the dark navy eyes that stood before them. The military uniform hugged on his muscles, giving the impression that he stole it from someone else. A sick feeling stroked Edward's spine, his face coiled with suspicion.

"Can I help you, old man?"

The convict laughed, the sound of him cracking his neck made the boys wince in disgust.

"Heh, there will be plenty of time for us to get to know each other, Mr. Elric..."

* * *

**Next Time~THANATOS—Marking Time, Waiting for Death—**

"Love can be thy cause of manipulation, manipulation can be thy cause to submission. Please...burn away thy sins with the ultimate flame..."

* * *

**A/N: Oh gawd. What is this I don't even— OTL **


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